you're kidding... right?

Hunks banned from alcohol ads in U.K.

Mark Schwed
Cox News Service

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. - What drives women to drink?
Men.

But not just any old guys. Hot, rippled, make-you-dizzy-they're-so-handsome macho men. Hollywood hunks like George Clooney and Brad Pitt kinda men.

Apparently, just a mere glimpse of these men holding a bottle of booze in an ad is all it takes to make women weak in the knees, send them spinning out of control, stampeding to their local bar or liquor store.

This is not conjecture or wishful thinking. It is the finding of watchdogs for the United Kingdom's Committee of Advertising Practice, which, in order to protect women from themselves and their drunken sexual fantasies, has banned advertisers from using hot men to seduce women into drinking.

No kidding. Women are suckers for studs, according to the CAP.

Unlike in the United States, where sex is used to sell everything from football to foot powder, advertisers in the U.K. must submit their planned ads to a review board, which decides whether they are appropriate for mass consumption.

The board, which is seeking to crack down on binge drinking, has declared that it will no longer allow sex to be used to lure people to drink. The new CAP code says "links must not be made between alcohol and seduction, sexual activity or sexual success."

The first to suffer from this new declaration is Lambrini, a popular alcoholic drink made from pears. Lambrini's ad company, Cheetham Bell/JWT of Manchester, U.K., drew up a mock ad featuring three young women "hooking" a hunky man like a fish with the tagline "girls just wanna have fun." The CAP rejected the ad because the guy was too good looking. Then the board went further. Instead of Mr. Stud Muffin, "We would advise that the man in the picture should be unattractive - overweight, middle-aged, balding, etc."

Say what?

It's OK to feature an unattractive man in a liquor ad but not a stud?

"We have to have an ugly bloke," David Bell, CEO of the ad agency that produced the ad, explained in a phone interview from England.

"We have now produced an ad with an overweight balding middle-aged guy. He's not an absolute minger. He's fine. But he's not George Clooney."

We don't know what a minger is, but it doesn't sound good.

The ruling by the board is causing a huge dust-up in the U.K., and launched a desperate hunt by the media swarms to find the ugly bloke in the new ad.

"He doesn't even know this is going on," Bell says. "He's on holiday in Sweden."

And he is about to be the most famous ugly man in Europe.

"He knows he's no Gary Cooper," says Bell.

The decision by the advertising cops jeopardizes an expected ad campaign by Martini, which recently hired Clooney as its frontman for a reported $5 million. It certainly would have affected British airings of Pitt's recent Heineken campaign, for which he was paid a reported $8 million. (The commercial ran in the U.S. during the Super Bowl).

Does this mean that hot movie heartthrobs are now unemployable as beer salesmen in the U.K.? Will short fat balding men start demanding huge salaries?

Dennis Franz, call your agent.

Presumably, the hunk ban also would apply to hot women. Imagine Budweiser without babes. Will Phyllis Diller become the new spokesmodel for Jose Cuervo?

All future British liquor ad campaigns must adhere to this stringent standard: Hot is out, heavy is in. Forget good hair. Hairless rules. Don't even think about featuring a dripping wet man slithering from a pool caressing a frosty Corona.

Naturally, the alcohol companies are steamed.

Lambrini says the ruling is offensive and demeaning to men. And who says that bald is bad?

Are Jack Nicholson, Bruce Willis and Sean Connery unattractive to women? Will the advertising board now be the sole judge of what is hot and what is not?

"We're not sure they're qualified to decide for the nation who's sexy and who's not," the Lambrini people say. "Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder."

And when you get right down to it, who is hotter? Jeremy Irons or Leo DiCaprio? Richard Gere or Dennis Franz? George Bush or Karl Rove? The body or the brain?

We don't have the answers. But we do know one thing: If anyone ever figures out what makes ladies all hot and lusty, the admen on Madison Avenue would bottle it in a New York minute.

but men aren't swayed by the beautiful women? clearly the not so good looking british (come on, they have the princes and david beckham, and not much else) feel that alcohol ads are hurting their chances with women. seriously guys, this is taking a step BACKWARDS; alcohol will improve your chances with said women.
oy.